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Page 3

Poilievre found twitching in glue trap. “Squeaking became unbearable” say neighbours. 

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25% ‘measle tariff’ goes into effect at midnight. 

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Ottawa announces state of the art high-speed rail, to be built long after you’re dead. 

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 ‘American credibility’ to be included at Oscars - In Memoriam segment.

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 Hegseth says Ukraine can join NATO if it can out-drink him.

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 MAGA wannabe crushed by falling chunk of irony.

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Canada appoints Burton Cummings as ‘fentanyl czar.’ 

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Canada turns off Bronzer pipeline, Trump lifts tariffs. 

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 Trump blames figure skating for air disaster.

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Trump deports Giant pandas. 

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Chilly snap forces Trump inauguration indoors as BBQ season starts in Canada. 

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West Edmonton Mall to become Trump-themed fun park. 

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Mark Carney expected to announce Liberal leadership bid, and that your cat died. 

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 Canada dispatches ‘Littlest Hobo’ to bite Trump in the nuts.

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 War victims living in rubble most concerned about Blake Lively/Justin Baldoni feud.

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“Many Canadians want Canada to be 51st State” just a guy in Barrie who wants the good Netflix. 

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