Washington -

 

In what can only be called a pathetic attempt to hold onto dwindling power, the President began wheezing and holding his chest, grunting, “It’s Ebola! I’ve got the Bola!”, suddenly moving his eyes quickly from side to side to see if anyone was buying it. When the secret service didn’t even budge, Trump quickly dropped the ruse and then claimed that aliens had contacted him directly to say if the mid-terms went ahead they would “Lazer-zap the shit out of America and then no one would get the five thousand dollar checks he had promised for a GOP vote.” When audible groans emerged from the crowd, Trump then switched course and began, again, talking about men's asses.