Washington -

 

“There’s no arguing with the math.” Said a pollster from Pew Research. “At this rate it is inevitable that most Americans will have taken a shot at the President by summer of 2027.” With two such attempts in the last month alone, and the fact that guns within the continental U.S. outnumber American citizens by nearly 2 to 1, the likelihood that even if you have no intention whatsoever of carrying out an armed attack, it will happen. The secret service is looking at keeping the president in a large bulletproof container within the oval office until at least the mid-terms where he’s expected to lose badly and not be worth attacking. The ‘Trump-tainer’, as it’s being called, is similar to a hamster cage, there is a sippy bottle attached filled with Diet Coke, and an exercise wheel with a tantalizing KFC Zinger Drip sandwich combo just out of reach.