


Culturally progressive man reports feelings of guilt about inability to stop masturbating over Sydney Sweeney jeans ad.

Toronto –
“I’m only human!” Pleaded the 42 year-old vintage vinyl expert and self-described ‘Wokester’, Kevin Murray. “I know she’s a Republican but I just can’t stop! Actually it adds sort of a weird kink element to it, oh god… did I say that out loud!?” Sweeney, known for her work on the provocative HBO series ‘Euphoria’ and her leather clad performance in the Rolling Stones video ‘Angry’, was reported to have become a registered Republican in her adopted state of Florida. This, after her controversial appearance in the American Eagle jeans ad in which she states, “I have good jeans” which was immediately taken as a nod to Eugenics and white racial superiority, by many on the left. Murray was left mumbling - “I know it’s wrong, but it’s not my fault the GOP has some hotties!









