Toronto -

 

“It’s a long running urban migratory pattern that we didn’t want to interrupt.” Said a spokesperson for Canada’s oldest department store. “And, while we’re saddened that we’ll be closing 74 of our 80 stores, the flagship Queen and Yonge store will remain open... and will remain a thoroughfare for ne’er do wells, it’s a tradition as old as the county itself.” Amid trade tensions with the United States and China, and the popularity of on-line shopping, the Bay had no choice but to streamline. “We take great pride in knowing that our customers can still enter one of our bathrooms to find someone drying their socks and screaming.”