Washington -

 

“At first we had no concerns because all the players are white, but then the alarm buzzer went off when Auston Matthews walked through the ‘RaceChek 3000.’ Turns out his Mom is Mexican! Crazy right?! Which is kind of white, but kind of not, so boom... we have to do the whole protocol or the Commander in Chief won’t stop washing his hands for days, instead of devoting his time to making America great again.” Said the head of security for the Oval office, after it was disclosed that the players would be subject to a bone-marrow DNA check to see that “they’re fit” to be in the presence of the benevolent leader. The Tkachuk brothers gleefully submitted to the tests, but Matthews was heard to say – “Hey. I’m the captain of the Leafs, I’ve suffered enough abuse.”