Levis, Quebec -

 

A horrific scene of carnage and mayhem has left the town where Insurance provider, Desjardins, is based, in a bloody, twisted and mangled heap. The company’s beloved advertising mascot, the Desjardins Giant, normally helpful and friendly, became enraged at having to repeat another staged act of random kindness, screaming at the top of his lungs – “I am not a freak to be used like a circus elephant!!” Crushing everything in his path. Local emergency teams said they’d never seen anything like it. “It was definitely a gone postal type of thing, performing the same task over and over again and that was that.” Said one responder. Victims were seen scurrying for cover as the size 97 loafers again and again stomped everything in sight. The giant was eventually neutralized by RCAF helicopters equipped with sedative-tipped projectiles. One tourist was heard saying, “Cirque de Soleil has nothing on this freak show!”