Stellarton, N.S. –

 

In accordance with ancient tradition, when a giant in the food-gouging industry passes, he must be put to rest with live minions who watch over his astral spirit, ensuring safe passage into the after-life until they themselves perish from starvation. One Sobey’s employee was caught trying to sneak a box of Pop-Tarts into the tomb and was immediately executed. “Obviously they stole the tarts.” Said one ceremonial over-seer, “No one in service of a grocery god would be able to afford an item like that… not even with coupons.”